You Just Got Leid
by Lady Emzebel
Summary: For the sake of the cook's sanity, never give a sniper or a shipwright a flower garland...ever. Oneshot crackfic.


Title: You Just Got _Lei-_d

Rating: K

Pairing: ZoSan if you squint. Mentions of Frobin.

Warning: Crack...as usual. Slight innuendo.

Disclaimer: The characters of One Piece are happy to note that I do not own them...officially. But in my mind...oh yes...in my mind. *scary grin*

-----X3-----

While Kamabakka Island had been pink and the epitome of all things girlish, Kalabuli, a spring island, was an explosion of flowers.

Literally; they had a frickin' geyser that spewed up the damn things every damn half hour.

Everywhere one looked there were flowers; flowers displayed in the streets, flowers blooming in window boxes, flowers blossoming in the meadows, flowers floating down the streams, and, yes, flower petals drifting down from the sky like some kind of messed up rain.

This was the island at which the Mugiwaras had currently docked.

For about half an hour before they pulled into port, Sanji spent his time curled up in a corner of his kitchen—with the door locked and barred—and sucking as much toxic smoke into his lungs as he could.

Already the floor was littered with his smoked out butts, each of them gnawed almost entirely the way through.

The cook might have left Kamabakka island on good terms with the residents (some of them he even considered good friends) and he might have discovered the delights of wearing miniskirts from time to time; all the same, anything even vaguely island-shaped and covered in floral decoration was enough to jar him straight into a post-trauma spazz attack.

The swordsman had knocked on the galley door inquiring after his health but the cook had sent him away using the most colourful language he knew, after all the damn marimo was still someone to whom Sanji just _refused _to show weakness .

There had been one terrifying moment when Zoro had actually threatened to break down the door—Sanji had never cleaned up a scene of self-pity so fast—and was only averted from this course of action by a severely irate Franky.

Word spread quickly throughout the crew that Sanji did not want to be bothered, and he was left alone until the Thousand Sunny docked. Then, upon the command of his excited captain, the cook stood up, straightened himself out, and emerged on deck, his face a blank facade of cool sexiness (or so he thought).

_I can do this, _decided Sanji as he and his nakama explored the port town. _Yeah, I just don't look directly at the flowers...look straight through them...or around them...or..._

_Who the hell am I kidding? I can't do this...not without aid. Where're my smokes?_

Sanji patted himself down, his search becoming increasingly frantic when nothing turned up after several minutes.

_Shit! I was sure I had them. How the hell could I have forgotten them on the ship?_

He glanced over at his nakama, all of whom seemed to be enjoying themselves browsing the many strange flower-centric curios.

Luffy and Usopp were sampling (aka rabidly devouring) flower-shaped snacks, and apparently they were supposed to taste like flowers too.

Chopper was stocking up on medicine as he was running low on supplies and there were also a few types he had not encountered before.

Nami was trying on perfume but she was careful not to spray any of the stronger stuff out of consideration for Chopper's nose.

Franky was examining a strange mechanical doohicky that _looked _like a dancing clockwork rose, and it wouldn't surprise the crew if later he concocted something similar—though of much better quality—for Robin.

Brook was, predictably, inquiring to see the local girls' panties.

Robin was chatting with a nearby vendor, presumably asking about the island's history.

Hell, even Zoro was looking reasonably satisfied after the archaeologist had pointed out a peculiar brand of entirely botanical sword polish that—strangely enough—didn't smell flowery.

_Fuck this; I'm going back to the ship._

Though it pained Sanji to be leaving his angels, the darling Nami-swan and Robin-chwan, he _needed _his cigarettes, and he'd be damned if he didn't get one right now.

As Sanji span on his heel, about to stalk away, something hooked through his belt hoop and pulled him back.

"Wha..?"

"Where're you goin' aho-cook?" Sanji grimaced.

"Back to the ship, shitty bastard."

"Take someone with you, you'll get lost." Sanji let out a single shout of sardonic laughter.

"Oh the irony. You kill me marimo, you really do. Now let go of me asshole, I gotta go."

"What for?" Sanji's eye twitched, his craving becoming almost unbearable.

"If you must know, I forgot my cigarettes..."

"Yuh mean these cigarettes, curly-brow?" Zoro released Sanji before dangling the packet in the cook's face, waving them about oh-so-tantalizingly. Sanji gaped.

"Where'd you get those?" He snatched them before the swordsman could blink and lit one up.

"You dropped 'em."

The instant nicotine buzz soothed the cook's fraying nerves...that is, until he caught sight of Zoro's smirk.

"What?!"

"Must suck to have to depend on something that much to think straight."

Sanji kicked out at him and snarled but Zoro just laughed, one hand casually straying to the hilt of Wadou.

"Piss off, marimo; I'm not in the mood." Sanji chewed miserably on his cigarette filter. Zoro frowned.

"What? Where's my thank you? Ungrateful little..." Sanji cut him off with a non-committal grunt that may or may not have contained the gratitude he felt and shoved his hands in his pockets. The reply must have satisfied the swordsman though because he fell silent.

To their left, Usopp and Franky had abandoned their original stalls to meet at another one quite a ways away. They examined the goods—a stunning array of garlands--with keen eyes and conversed enthusiastically.

"...can't send any to Kaya. Maybe some pictures?" Sanji heard Usopp say above the bustling crowd.

The cook smiled. At least the sniper knew the meaning of romance; unlike _someone_ Sanji knew.

Zoro caught the blonde's eye-roll, and scowled suspiciously.

"What're you gettin' all uppity about?"

"Baka. Never you mind."

Meanwhile, the sniper and the shipwright began the makings of a plan. A plan so great, so daring, so _super _it could only be enacted by beings as awesome as themselves. They briefly observed the cook and the swordsman then unanimously agreed without speaking.

"Who're you callin' baka, curlicue?"

"Oh please, that is so old."

Neither of them noticed Usopp and Franky stalking closer with each word, both of them baring deviant grins.

"Bit like you then," Zoro retorted.

"...what? I'm not old."

"You act like it. Bitch bitch bitch. Mope mope mope. It's all you ever do, just like an old man."

"At least I don't sleep away half the day. Isn't that what some ancient _dog _would do?"

"That is it Blackleg, you're fuckin' dead..."

Usopp and Franky pounced.

Before either the cook or swordsman could react, the both of them were completely bedecked in complimentary flower garlands of all different sizes, scents, and colours.

Usopp looked triumphant.

"Yosh! You two just got _lei_-d!"

Franky laughed hysterically and slapped the sniper a high five before they celebrated with a "_Super_!" victory dance and ran off to cause more mischief.

Zoro and Sanji just watched them leave, sweat-dropping puddles onto the cobblestone street as they shed the flower necklaces.

"Well that was..."

"Yeah."

"You still going back to the ship?"

"Yeah."

Zoro eyed the abundant flora surrounding them and shuddered.

"...I think I'll join you."

-----X3-----

Personally, I blame salad-dressing week.

Written for Starla101101 who directly inspired this fic.


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